Showing posts with label Jordan Pearson for Motherboard. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jordan Pearson for Motherboard. Show all posts

Thursday, 26 January 2017

Police Released a Suspect Photo Based on DNA From a Decades-Old Murder

The 1998 murder of Renee Sweeney has haunted the small northern Ontario city of Sudbury for nearly two decades. On Monday, the Sudbury police finally released a photo of their suspect. With short-cropped dirty blonde hair and a boring, rectangular pair of glasses, he looks like any number of graduate students in the world.

But there’s no guarantee that the murderer looks like this photo in reality. This is because it was prepared using only DNA samples found under Sweeney’s fingernails and on a discarded jacket and pair of gloves by an emerging—and controversial, in a policing context—technique called DNA phenotyping.

The Sudbury police want people to keep an eye out for anyone who looks like the 3D visage in the digital image. Investigators are also using the snapshot internally to narrow down lists of suspects and prioritize tips.

Read More: An Artist Who Uses DNA to Make Life-Like Masks Is Wary of Cops Doing the Same

“I definitely believe that it’s accurate, and the science has proven that,” said Det. Sgt. David Toffoli of the Sudbury police in a phone interview.

At Pennsylvania State University, Mark Shriver leads a lab that attempts to identify these superficial genes and model their effects on the face. According to Shriver, the technology presents a compelling area of academic work, but police relying on it to generate leads from the public and to narrow down suspects is fraught.

A phenotype is the expression of genes into characteristics like hair, eye, and skin colour. Since all humans are far more genetically similar than not, Shriver said, accurately predicting phenotypes comes down to a small number of genes—not an easy task. Moreover, appearance can be dramatically altered by a person’s environment.

“People are so used to looking at faces—I don’t want them to imagine that what they’re seeing is the face of the perpetrator, or whoever was thought to leave that DNA sample,” Shriver said over the phone. “It’s really critical to be up-front with investigators about how you got that information and what it means.”

Image: Greater Sudbury Police Service

There’s also the risk that the emerging technology, in the hands of police, can misrepresent visible minorities due to potential shortfalls in the computer model making the phenotype predictions.

“We need more participants, and to sample more people from different populations,” Shriver said. “That’s going to be critical for prediction, because unless you over-sample for minority groups, you’re going to over-generalize a minority individual.”

Aside from the general state of the science, the Virginia-based company that did the phenotype prediction for the Sudbury police—Parabon Nanolabs—isn’t very forthcoming about its methods.

This is despite numerous police forces in the US using the company’s technology to generate suspect photos. In 2016, Parabon confirmed to the Toronto Star that police in Canada had used the technology but would not divulge where or when.

The company’s webpage compares its 3D renderings with photos of real people to showcase how accurate its approach is, but Parabon hasn’t published any research on their approach—a red flag for any company trading in emerging science.

When I contacted Parabon over email, I was linked to a scant document that Ellen Greytak, director of bioinformatics, described as a “scientific poster.”

“Snapshot composites cannot be expected to represent a subject’s exact appearance,” Gerytak wrote in an emailed response. “Such environmental influences on an individual’s appearance include, but are not limited to, age, weight, scars, exposure to smoking, exposure to sun, tattoos, hairstyles, and presence of facial hair.”

In addition, all of Parabon’s 3D composites are automatically given an age of 25 and an average BMI of 22. The algorithms are, of course, proprietary, Gerytak wrote, but a scientific paper is forthcoming.

Shriver helped Parabon secure a government grant for their work several years ago, but hasn’t had contact with the company since, he said. At the time, he said that he and his colleagues were concerned that the company was moving too quickly to market with unproven technology.

As for the company’s guidelines for police, what individual departments do with Parabon’s product is up to them.

Perhaps the upcoming paper will assuage some critics’ doubts, but it all raises the question: What exactly do police learn about a suspect from a DNA composite, and is it worth it—or hell, ethical—to ask the public to watch for people who resemble it? And can it actually help solve a nearly 20-year-old murder?

These questions notwithstanding, the image has been released to the public, so we might be about to find out.

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from Police Released a Suspect Photo Based on DNA From a Decades-Old Murder

Monday, 23 January 2017

The ‘Scenic_Simpsons’ Instagram Reveals Springfield's Hidden Beauty

It’s been an emotional few days. First, there was the dark and surreal state pageantry of Donald Trump’s inauguration on Friday, and then the direct counterpunch of the massively inspiring Women’s March demonstrations on Saturday. It was probably the largest affective shot-chaser of my life, and it’s left me a bit dizzy.

It’s in times like these that I turn to The Simpsons for a break. And in particular, to a Social Media Account of Particular Importance called Scenic_Simpsons. I share this with you now because I think we could all use it.

With a scant 149 posts at the time of writing and just a few thousand followers, the account posts strikingly well-composed interiors and landscapes—usually without any characters in the frame—from The Simpsons. Thanks in part, I’m sure, to the subtle intellectualism of the show’s early period and partly because of the curation, Scenic_Simpsons evokes the silently screaming stillness of Todd Haynes’s Safe, or Terrence Malick’s Badlands.

It’s also worth noting for real heads out there that all (or most) of the screencaps come from the “golden age” of The Simpsons, referred to as such not just for the writing, but for its look, thanks to people like animator David Silverman and colorist Larry Field. The exact timeframe for this golden age is pretty much an individual preference, but from seasons one to 10 the animation has a distinctly organic quality to it with thick outlines and bright colours.

The person behind the account didn’t respond to my entreaties to gab about a show I’m assuming we both love, but regardless, it’s an excellent way to spend an hour. I recommend some appropriately contemplative musical accompaniment.

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from The ‘Scenic_Simpsons’ Instagram Reveals Springfield's Hidden Beauty

Thursday, 19 January 2017

Facebook Banned This Canadian Surveillance Company From Accessing Its Data

A small Canadian company selling social media monitoring tools to police, Media Sonar, was banned from accessing Facebook's data, Motherboard has learned.

The company, headquartered in London, Ontario, sells software that allows clients to monitor social media posts for keywords. Last year, the American Civil Liberties Union revealed that Media Sonar has been selling its wares to police in California and encouraging them to track protesters using hashtags like #BlackLivesMatter and #DontShoot. In October, Twitter revoked Media Sonar’s access to its data.

According to a Facebook spokesperson Motherboard spoke to over the phone, Media Sonar was also banned from accessing Facebook’s API last year because it violated the platform policies for developers. An Instagram spokesperson also confirmed over email that Media Sonar was banned from that platform for violating the its terms of service. Instagram is owned by Facebook.

Read More: The Canadian Government Has Funded a Notorious Censorship Company for a Decade

Serious questions remain about which police agencies have gotten their hands on Media Sonar’s digital surveillance technology, and where. Motherboard has confirmed that police in Canada have used Media Sonar, and there are indications that Media Sonar’s technology is in use in countries outside of North America.

The York Regional Police expressed interest in the technology in 2013, the year the company was founded. A 2014 tender for a social media monitoring solution for the Halifax police shows that Media Sonar was a bidder, although they didn’t win the contract. A July 2015 report from the Guelph police notes that “Media Sonar is actively being used by members of the Intelligence Unit” for investigations into “extremism, firearms and drugs.” A 2015 article from TVO also reported that the Toronto police use Media Sonar.

Toronto Police Service spokesperson Mark Pugash declined to comment on the veracity of the TVO report, and declined to comment on whether the Toronto police still use Media Sonar, saying that the police do not comment on investigative techniques. The Guelph police board has not responded to Motherboard’s request for comment.

Canadian law enforcement has a history of tracking protesters. A 2015 document, unearthed in 2016 via an access to information request, describes a program in which the Royal Canadian Mounted Police monitored and tracked aboriginal protesters using social media. That report recommended that these practices continue.

There are also indications that the company has been selling its surveillance tools outside Canada and the US. In 2016, Media Sonar won the Ontario Chamber of Commerce’s “going global” award for small businesses. This award is given to companies that implement a successful export strategy, and the award page states that the company “has been assisting organizations around the globe” to “[solve] crimes.”

Media Sonar has not responded to Motherboard’s request for comment.

According to a spokesperson from the Ontario Chamber of Commerce, the award is given to companies that achieve an annual growth in export sales of 35 percent, and make under $5 million per year.

A post on the company’s LinkedIn page notes that while the company started “first in North America,” the company has been bringing its offerings “into new geographies over the past year.” It’s unclear if these “new geographies” include repressive regimes known to buy Western surveillance technology.

If so, then Media Sonar would be in league with another small Canadian company called Netsweeper, based in Waterloo. Over the past several years, Canadian surveillance research hub Citizen Lab has exposed Netsweeper’s internet filtering business in places like Yemen and Bahrain.

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Update: Facebook confirmed to Motherboard that Media Sonar was banned from accessing its data. This article and its headline have been updated to reflect this.



from Facebook Banned This Canadian Surveillance Company From Accessing Its Data

Wednesday, 18 January 2017

Nestlé Will Pay 13,500% More to Pump Ontario’s Water for Bottling

Today, Nestlé pays just $3.71 per every million litres of water the company pumps out of the ground in Ontario, so that it can bottle it and then and sell it back to thirsty customers for profit. But that won’t last for much longer.

The provincial government, which sets the price rates for water, is set to propose a sharp increase in the amount that companies like Nestlé pay, the Canadian Press reported on Wednesday. The proposed fee will be $503.71 per million litres of water, an increase of roughly 13,500 percent.

Nestlé is licensed to pump 4.7 million litres of water per day from two sites in Ontario, meaning that the company will now pay $2,367 for the water it takes every day, instead of the paltry $17.50 it pays now.

Nestlé has been the subject of public scrutiny since the company purchased a well in September by outbidding the small Ontario township of Centre Wellington, which wanted to secure a publicly-owned source of water for itself. In October, feeling the pressure, the province proposed a two-year moratorium on any new or extended water-taking permits.

Read More: Abolish Bottled Water

According to Stephen Scharper, a professor at the University of Toronto’s School of the Environment, the price increase should be celebrated, if only because the public’s outrage has clearly been heard. But the larger, unanswered question is: should water be a commodity to begin with?

“There’s an economic issue here, yes, and if water is being used as a commodity then it should be priced accordingly,” Scharper said. “But the larger question is whether water for bottling purposes should be for sale at all.”

“If this decision leads to an acceptance of water as a commodity instead of a basic common good, then that might be a problem,” he continued.

Scharper’s perspective is one that goes back to the first enclosing of communal farming lands by the wealthy to create private property in the 1700s, creating a class of landless labourers. While bottled water may be necessary in emergency situations, there’s no inherent reason that water, like land, should be a luxury good.

The Wellington Water Watchers, a non-profit group based in Guelph, Ontario, shares this point of view, and has run campaigns with names like “Water for Life, Not for Profit.”

“We believe water should be a commons, and we support the government in raising rates insofar as they recover the cost of the permitting system,” said Robert Case, an assistant professor of social development at the University of Waterloo and treasurer for the Wellington Water Watchers. “But this raises the dangerous perception that water has a price on it—money isn’t going to put any more water back in the watershed.”

Also unaddressed by raising the cost of water-taking is the larger impact of the bottled water industry, Case said. “The industry pumps water out of the ground, and spews out a plastic bottle for every 500 millilitres—we get water, which we can get anyway from public sources, and we’re left with garbage.”

"In principle, we believe all groundwater users should be treated equally, but we understand and appreciate that opinions differ regarding the rates various water users should pay," Nestlé said in a statement. "Nestlé Waters Canada agrees that water sustainability is non-negotiable and all investments in groundwater research are a positive step toward our shared prosperity and a sustainable future."

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Update: This article has been updated to include comment from Nestlé Waters Canada.



from Nestlé Will Pay 13,500% More to Pump Ontario’s Water for Bottling

Tuesday, 17 January 2017

Climate Researchers Are Setting Up an Arctic Base Camp at Davos

On Tuesday morning, a team of climate scientists were busy setting up a mock Arctic base camp at the Swiss resort that is hosting politicians, celebrities, and the global economic elite for the World Economic Forum (WEF) in Davos this week.

Tonight, they’ll sleep in those tents. Tomorrow, they’ll try to convince the most powerful people in the world that they should give a shit about the Arctic, an area of increasing economic importance that’s nonetheless hugely threatened by climate change.

“The main objective is to explain why Arctic [climate] change poses global risks for societies and economies around the world,” said Gail Whiteman, a professor of sustainability in business at the University of Lancaster and the woman heading up Arctic Basecamp Davos, in an interview from the camp.

Read More: Every Month This Year Has Been the Hottest in Recorded History

“As opposed to keeping Arctic science in the Arctic,” she said, “we’ve come to the premier place for discussions on global risk to kickstart a conversation on solutions to negative Arctic change that we know, based on scientific evidence, is happening.”

2016 saw record-shattering temperatures and it’s expected that on Wednesday, NASA and the NOAA will jointly confirm that it was the hottest year on record. At the end of October, Arctic ice was at its second-lowest point since we started keeping track.

Arctic Basecamp Davos will feature talks from the likes of Al Gore and David Miller, the former Toronto mayor who’s now head of World Wildlife Fund Canada. But the meeting will also try and connect businesspeople and other Davos types directly with scientists who know what’s happening the Arctic, without the Davos filter.

It won’t be easy, since the focus is, of course, the world economy and keeping the whole system moving along, overcoming or deferring crises. The WEF’s global risk report pegged climate change at number two on the list of global risks—to the economy, of course. Climate change is on the agenda, but in the context of issues like carbon markets.

Image: Twitter/@ArcticDavos

One could be skeptical of the possibility for systemic overhaul of the world order stemming from such a place, to say the least, but that’s what Whiteman said Arctic Basecamp Davos is after.

“You can’t shop your way out of Arctic change,” said Whiteman. “You need systemic change across different levels.”

Davos, as a conference that touches on global risk, is also full of programming on what Donald Trump’s election means for the world, adding that much more noise for the Arctic signal to cut through. Early headlines have been about China’s move to take on the role of global free trade champion, now that Trump—no fan of trade deals like the TPP—is headed for the White House.

Whatever comes of Arctic Basecamp Davos, one hopes that at the very least it provides a much-needed reality check.

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from Climate Researchers Are Setting Up an Arctic Base Camp at Davos

Why Did Police Kill an Alleged Small-Time Hacker?

Sam Maloney looks like he could be 21. In photos posted to Facebook, he’s smiling, and so are the first-year university students surrounding him. His boyish face doesn’t seem at all out of place during the 2015 frosh week celebrations captured in these images, and he looks happy and excited. Everyone does.

But Sam Maloney wasn’t 21, despite what he reportedly told his fellow students while living in university residence and enrolled in a first-year computer science course at Western University in London, Ontario, a two-hour drive from Toronto.

In reality, Sam Maloney was a 35-year-old freelance developer and an adept self-taught programmer of encrypted and distributed computer systems. Though he maintained a room in residence, Maloney had a common-law wife, Melissa Facciolo, and a son. The family owned a house about a 15-minute drive from the school.

Read More: Student Hacker Faces 10 Years in Prison For Spyware That Hit 16,000 Computers

On December 23, 2016, Maloney, no longer enrolled in university, was shot dead by police in his home after he allegedly fired a crossbow bolt at officers during an early morning raid.

According to Facciolo’s lawyer, Phil Millar, the police had a warrant to seize Maloney’s computer. The police suspected Maloney of hacking a local cinema’s website. The person responsible posted a manifesto called “The Declaration of the Independence of Atlantis” that reportedly railed against race mixing. Days before the hack, Maloney posted a rambling screed with a similar title to his Facebook page. According to Millar, the cinema was a client of Maloney’s at the time.

Maloney’s wife and two sons, ages two and six months, were present when he was killed, according to Millar. When he was shot, he was on the phone with his lawyer, Nick Cake.

It was the first shooting death involving police in London in 17 years.

Maloney’s shooting is being investigated by the province’s Special Investigations Unit (SIU), which investigates all police-involved shootings, and the London police force is directing all questions to them. Both the London police and the SIU declined to comment on any of the details of the incident reported in this story due to the ongoing investigation.

More information about the case will come to light. The Crown is now pursuing a weapons charge against Facciolo for breaching a 10-year weapons ban imposed in 2007—due to the crossbow—after she plead guilty to improperly storing thousands of rounds of ammunition in the family home, meaning that the Crown will have to disclose information about Maloney’s killing in court.

The question on everybody’s mind now is: Who was Sam Maloney?

The London, Ontario courthouse where I met Phillip Millar, lawyer for Maloney's common-law wife, Melissa Facciolo. Image: Author

The best entry point for understanding Maloney is the cause to which he dedicated his life: his software. Looking at his life through this lens provides insight not only into his innate talents, but also suggests a troubled mind.

MORPHiS, a peer-to-peer system for sharing and encrypting files, was Maloney’s main project. It was open-source, meaning that anybody could contribute to the code, but the online code repository shows that Maloney was the main contributor. The software had a small but devoted community of users, 135 of whom populated a dedicated subforum on Reddit.

The online encryption community took note of his sudden passing in a popular post on the bitcoin subforum of Reddit, and a short obituary in a bitcoin trade blog.

“MORPHiS worked flawlessly as a distributed datastore (meaning you could store files in MORPHiS' database and other users would be able to retrieve the files at their end, provided they knew the file's ‘address’) and you could send encrypted messages to other users of MORPHiS,” Klaus Seistrup, a 56-year-old nurse living in Denmark who contributed to the code, wrote me in an email.

Maloney also created an encrypted email service called Dmail, and a “spam-resistant” encrypted messaging protocol called Dpush. All of this before he ever enrolled at Western University, and without any formal academic training.

“I am doing this all for free for all humanity because I hate evil"

“He clearly understood the technology behind censorship-resistant software, knew what the weaknesses of the current approaches were, and did his best to come up with a new approach that addressed these issues,” Emin Gün Sirer, a Cornell University computer science professor who read the Dpush white paper, wrote me in an email.

According to Maloney’s father, Peter, a former satellite technician for Environment Canada, his son displayed an uncanny talent for programming at an early age.

“I knew that he was really talented when he was around nine or 10 years old,” the elder Maloney said over the phone from his home in St. Thomas, Ontario. “I came home from work one day, and he had the Commodore 64, and he wanted to make sprites move around on the screen. I told him he had to learn hexadecimal and binary math, and he said, OK, show me. He didn’t even know decimal math.”

It wasn’t long before the younger Maloney had outstripped his father’s coding abilities.

“One day I came home and he had sprites going all over the place,” Maloney’s father said. “In other words, he learned so quickly that he could convert binary numbers to hexadecimal numbers practically in his head, and he was 10 or 11 at that time.”

MORPHiS and Maloney’s other projects suggest a paranoid mentality and an anti-authority bent. It appears the project and his online persona were a way to exorcise some of his demons and darker ideas.

“I am doing this all for free for all humanity because I hate evil,” Maloney wrote on MORPHiS’ homepage. According to Maloney’s writings, MORPHiS would be the foundational layer for a so-called “world brain”—an idea coined by science fiction author H.G. Wells in the 1930s—that would ultimately usher in a “unified human consciousness.” It was a mission to him, his “calling.”

Under the online handle “MorphisCreator,” Maloney updated his followers on the software’s progress, but he also created a subreddit called “The Nation of Atlantis.” Posts on the page rail against “globalists”—a popular term among conspiracy theorists—and “forced integration,” calling for the creation of a digital democracy dedicated to preserving racial bloodlines. The foundational technology of this race-based society, he wrote, would be MORPHiS.

“His technical writings reveal a world-view of someone with a deep distrust of anyone and anything in a position of power,” Sirer wrote me. “His entire system was structured to decentralize access to data, to make sure that there could be no guardian and no censor.”

Although the goal of designing privacy-boosting technology is laudable, and in that sense “we need people like him,” Sirer continued, “an adversarial mindset can merge into belligerence, healthy skepticism can blur into paranoia, especially when coupled with other, divisive narratives, such as racism or a victim mentality.”

A photo of Maloney, displaying injuries he allegedly received during a police arrest at a temple. Image: MORPHiS blog.

This mindset bled into Maloney’s offline life.

Rehan Basson is a 29-year-old graphic designer living in Moncton, New Brunswick. In 2015, during Maloney’s year-long stint in university, Basson was president of the Libertarian Party of Canada. (The far-right criticized him for focusing on LGBTQ issues.) The two were friends and talked often.

Basson met Maloney in 2014 at a protest in London, Ontario against Bill C-51, a massively controversial surveillance law. Basson was a student at Western University at the time, but Maloney hadn’t enrolled yet.

According to Basson, when I spoke with him over the phone, the pair bonded over their mutual belief that government isn’t working. Privacy laws were of particular interest to both. Basson said that the pair maintained significant disagreements, especially regarding Maloney’s racist beliefs and anti-immigration stances. In fact, these beliefs “seem to have motivated [Maloney] a lot,” Basson said.

“I could tell it was something that was integral to him, but he had a functional way of dealing with it, which was putting time into open source software,” Basson said.

Basson and Maloney concocted a plan to use the technology behind MORPHiS—distributed hash tables—to build a program to increase government transparency, not unlike the many proposed applications of the bitcoin blockchain for government. They were after nothing short of a revolution. It’s not surprising that such a proposal jibed with Maloney, who was on his own mission to fight a perceived evil.

“He was a hacker, but he tried to live some of that [by] challenging the bylaws"

The pair spoke often to discuss the project, right up until two months before Maloney’s death. He was so privacy-conscious that he would often take unusual precautions, like talking at a distance from any nearby cell phones out of fear of potential eavesdroppers, Basson said.

“Whenever MORPHiS came up, we’d end up talking about those larger ideas,” Basson said. “There was always some bigger topic associated with it, keeping a grander perspective in mind.”

His wife Melissa Facciolo’s lawyer, Phil Millar, suggested that Maloney sought to act out his ideals on a level achievable to him as a self-trained computer programmer living in a small Canadian city. “He was a hacker, but he tried to live some of that [by] challenging the bylaws,” he said.

While Maloney does not have any criminal record after 2005, according to Millar, several incidents in the recent past point to a petty sort of anti-authoritarianism.

This past summer, Maloney grew his lawn to a height that neighbour Mike Irling described as being “a couple feet tall.” Neighbours complained, according to news reports, and the city came and cut it. “They just came in with a lawnmower,” Irling said.

The MORPHiS blog paints this incident in a dark light. The city employees are described as “thugs,” the grass cutting as a “crime,” and the city’s behaviour generally as threatening and harassing. The blog also notes, innocuously, that Maloney “went out and told them they were trespassing and to leave.”

Neighbour Elias Balch, who was not present from the incident but heard the story from his parents, tells it a bit differently.

“The city came to cut the grass, and then Sam hopped out with a pipe in his hand and started threatening to swing at the city workers so they took off,” Balch said in an interview.

Also in the summer of 2016, Maloney was arrested after he visited a temple (media reports say it was Buddhist, while the MORPHiS blog says Hindu), and refused to leave. The MORPHiS blog maintains he was simply there to learn about the religion. Maloney initially faced charges related to obstructing and assaulting police, but the charges against him were dropped. According to the MORPHiS blog, Maloney sustained several visible injuries during the arrest, which he photographed and documented on the site.

It appeared as though his behaviour was escalating.

In December of 2016, the website of a local independent cinema was defaced with an incoherent, radical, reportedly racist message. While police have not established that it was Maloney who hacked the site, a manifesto with a similar title and message appeared on Maloney’s personal Facebook page just days before.

On this behaviour, Millar describes Maloney as someone with “glorious dreams,” but whose real station in life made him “a small potato.”

One interpretation of Maloney’s recent activities could be that while he was building a new world online, in real life these visions translated into trifling, troublesome behaviour.

The Ontario Hall residence at Western University where Maloney lived. Image: Author

The most puzzling aspect of Maloney’s story, and the detail that has led to the belief that he was living a “double life,” is the time he spent in a first-year university program, allegedly telling his classmates that he was 21.

Sam’s family—including his father and his wife—knew he was in university, and that he had a room in residence. Explanations for why Maloney went to university and lived in residence in the first place, given that he and his wife had a home nearby, varied depending on who I spoke to. Maloney’s father believes that he went to school in order to find a better job.

“He knew his stuff inside out, but he discovered that most jobs wanted a degree,” Peter Maloney said. “That’s the major reason, I think—for the software side of it. He wanted to improve his mathematics, so he took math, but his other things were philosophy and religion, that kind of thing.”

As for why Maloney went into residence, his father said that it was because he needed a quiet place to work. “He’s very serious about his studies and with a new baby at home, he couldn’t work with a baby crying,” he said.

But none of this squares with the version of Maloney’s life reported in the press: telling his his classmates that he was 21, and attending dorm parties. An alternative explanation might be simply that he was deeply unhappy, and that he needed some sort of escape.

“He definitely seemed like he might have been depressed, and I thought he was looking at ways to get out of it"

“He definitely seemed like he might have been depressed,” said Basson, Maloney’s friend and collaborator. “And I thought he was looking at ways to get out of it.”

His writings on the MORPHiS website paint the picture of a man who turned to software not just to build what he perceived to be a better world, but to assuage a deeper unease.

“Later in life I realized I was very unhappy,” Maloney wrote on the site, “both due to the state of the world and the boredom of being just a business programmer in the enterprise world, even in architect roles.”

Shortly after they first met in 2014, Maloney approached Basson, who was a student at the university then, for advice. According to Basson, Maloney broached the topic of getting a degree for the purpose of getting a job, but what he was really after was a romanticized ideal of university life.

“He thought that he’d be able to immerse himself in a world where people were maybe a bit more curious than it turned out to be,” Basson said.

Everyone I spoke to about Maloney’s reported presentation of himself as being 21 said they only learned about it in the news, after his death. Little is publicly known about what he got up to in school, but the photos on social media suggest that he was enjoying himself for a while.

I reached out to more than a dozen students that the normally social media-averse Maloney was friends with on Facebook, and none agreed to be formally interviewed. But one student who lived in Maloney’s residence, and who declined a follow-up interview, said in a Facebook message that Maloney “was a very intelligent guy” and went on: “He showed me these incredibly complicated and advanced papers and books on [distributed hash table] networking and the math proving how much more efficient it would be.”

According to Western University spokesperson Keith Marnoch, there were no complaints lodged against Maloney during his time in residence. The university was aware of Maloney’s real age, and “does not discriminate on the basis of age when making residence offers,” Marnoch said in an email.

Maloney’s father told me that he was withdrawn even from his family, including his young children. But something about the time spent in university seems to have drawn them together.

“In the last couple of months [before he died], Samuel was getting close with the kids,” Peter Maloney said. “I was talking to him, and I said, you hardly hold your kid. And before you know it, a few days after that, he was holding his child.”

The Maloney family home. Image: Author

Maloney’s neighbour, Elias Balch, said he was awoken by a loud noise and flashing police lights in the early morning on December 23, 2016, the day that Maloney was shot to death.

“There was lots of police [at the house],” Balch said. “I saw a SWAT team going around. I’m not sure what woke me up. It could have been kicking down the door, or it could have been the shots.”

According to Maloney’s wife’s lawyer, Millar, the police were there to seize his computer in relation to the hacking incident at the local theatre.

The Maloney home is a small red brick affair, massively dwarfed by large houses on either side. The walk-up to the front door is flanked by big, healthy hedges, and when I visited, a thick sheet of snow on the walkway was undisturbed by footprints.

The white front door had two large dents, presumably from the police’s forced entry, and a loosely hanging sign that instructed visitors to use the back door.

It’s unclear what actually happened in that house when Sam was shot, and police have not publicly commented on the incident. But a timeline quilted together from media reports and from his wife Melissa Facciolo’s account, relayed through her lawyer and Maloney’s father, paints a disturbing picture.

“They could have tasered him, and with all those police in there, they could have tackled him"

According to Millar, Maloney and Facciolo were looking at house designs online while the children were asleep, since it was roughly six in the morning. Unexpectedly, police forcibly entered the home.

At some point, Maloney allegedly fired a crossbow bolt at the officers, injuring one. Then, with police still there, he got on the phone with his lawyer. Nick Cake instructed Maloney to put up his hands and cooperate, which Maloney acknowledged. The scene sounded chaotic, according to Cake, but Maloney sounded calm. And then, according to Cake, who remained on the phone, four shots rang out.

According to Maloney’s father, Facciolo alleges that Maloney had nothing in his hands and was shirtless when he was shot. He said that Facciolo had told him that Maloney was first shot in the chest and then crumpled to the ground in a sitting position. It was then that police allegedly shot him in the face. According to Facciolo’s lawyer, Maloney was shot in the chest, and then shot in the face while he was on his knees.

“They could have tasered him, and with all those police in there, they could have tackled him,” said Peter Maloney. “Why would they shoot him in the face when he was already on the floor. Does that make any sense?”

Phil Millar, Facciolo’s lawyer, maintains that the entire situation could have been avoided if the police had taken a less aggressive approach to seizing Maloney’s computer.

“To be frank, you could have a car parked outside the house and picked him up as he left the house and then said, ‘We need the keys, we have a warrant to seize your computer,’” Millar said.

“If you know this guy is standing up to authority, and you just need to seize a computer, it goes into… Why poke a bear? Not that he was a bear.”

London, Ontario. Image: Author

Sam Maloney is dead. His motivations will always be shrouded in uncertainty, and the future of MORPHiS is murky, if not quashed.

But the exact circumstances surrounding his shooting death at the hands of police stand a much greater chance of being exposed.

Because the SIU is involved, disclosure on the details of the raid and the shooting will be slow to come. But since the Crown is pursuing a weapons charge against Facciolo, based on the crossbow in the house, they will, at some point, have to disclose documents describing the events leading up to Maloney’s death.

In particular, Millar said he hopes to gain insight into the decision to seize Maloney’s computer with a pre-dawn raid. “Regardless of the actions of Mr. Maloney, the decision to raid a house with a six-month-old child and a two-year-old child in that manner is overly militaristic,” he said.

Until then, the people caught up in Maloney’s life, the city that has experienced its first police shooting in a generation, and the online community that watched his work with great interest, are reckoning with what they thought they knew about the man.

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from Why Did Police Kill an Alleged Small-Time Hacker?

Monday, 16 January 2017

Coinbase CEO Says Bitcoin Exchange Will Be ‘Forced’ to Fight IRS Order

In November of 2016, the Internal Revenue Service ordered bitcoin trading company Coinbase to hand over the identities of millions of customers who made transactions through the company over three years, to find out who hasn’t been paying their taxes.

Now, Coinbase CEO Brian Armstrong has suggested in a Medium post that the company will go to court with the IRS, writing, “...it appears we will be forced to contest [the subpoena] in court to protect our customers’ privacy, at great expense.”

Online bitcoin exchanges are the key point of access for people buying or selling bitcoin. Coinbase, founded in 2012, is one of the oldest and largest.

The IRS ordered Coinbase to turn over the identities of all US customers who used the exchange between 2013 and 2015, in order to determine whether users have been paying taxes on their bitcoin.

Read More: How Coinbase Traders Are Fighting Back IRS Attempts to Reveal Their Identities

The summons has been highly controversial in cryptocurrency circles since it would reveal the identities of many people not under active investigation, and who haven’t broken any laws. People do pay taxes on bitcoin (or they’re supposed to), and according to the IRS, virtual currencies are treated like property for federal tax purposes.

“Asking for detailed transaction information on so many people, simply for using digital currency, is a violation of [customers’] privacy, and is not the best way for us to accomplish our mutual objective,” Armstrong wrote.

Armstrong also suggested an alternate way forward for Coinbase and the IRS, which he writes is for all US bitcoin users to pay their taxes: Coinbase would send a yearly tax form that is commonly used by stock brokers to report financial gains or losses to customers and the IRS, he argued.

Motherboard reached out to the IRS for comment on whether this proposal is realistic, but hasn’t received a response.

But this proposal still wouldn’t help the IRS to understand whether past Coinbase customers paid their taxes. So, if Coinbase is planning to stick to their word, it looks like the company may be headed to court.

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from Coinbase CEO Says Bitcoin Exchange Will Be ‘Forced’ to Fight IRS Order

Saturday, 7 January 2017

Wikileaks Is Bad, Anonymous Intelligence Officials Are Worse

Wikileaks, once the darling of liberals everywhere and now the subject of wacko conspiracy theories about blackmail and flipped Kremlin assets, has once again ruffled feathers on Twitter by calling out some questionably-sourced reporting by NBC.

On Friday, NBC reported that an anonymous intelligence official told its reporters that US intelligence has identified the Russian source of the hacked DNC emails that were distributed by Wikileaks and arguably sunk Hillary Clinton’s presidential bid. Importantly, NBC also reported that the anonymous official confirmed that “senior Russian officials [celebrated] Donald Trump's win,” although the chatter was “subject to interpretation."

Whose interpretation—the anonymous official’s?

Read More: How Hackers Broke Into John Podesta and Colin Powell’s Gmail Accounts

Wikileaks’ response called out the anonymous official for leaking information to NBC “for political reasons” before Trump gets to read it. It’s understandable that the deference to Trump would make people angry, especially given Wikileaks founder Julian Assange’s apparent support of Trump, saying that his election presented “opportunities for change.” But the response on Twitter didn’t focus on Wikileaks’ Trump fawning and instead can be summed up as: “What, Wikileaks is against leaks now?”

Wikileaks has major, major problems. Take, for example, a Friday tweet by the official account of the Wikileaks “task force” that floated the idea of creating a database of verified tweeters and their familial ties and housing information. That is twisted.

Still, the aforementioned response misses the point because it assumes the NBC report is true. It may very well be, but the fact is that reporting based on the word of an anonymous official without evidence, like NBC’s story, is tantamount to astroturfing by the intelligence community. That is bad, and ill will towards Wikileaks shouldn’t obscure that.

There are numerous examples to back this up stretching back throughout the history of the American press.

"There is no guarantee that anything an anonymous official tells the press is true, and should always be regarded with high suspicion"

One such example just happened. On Saturday, The Washington Post ran a story claiming that Russians had hacked the Vermont power grid—dastardly, sensational stuff—on the word of anonymous US intelligence officials. But the affected power company released information about the breach contradicting what the officials had told the Post, and the thrust of the original story turned out to be false.

In 2015, the US bombed an Afghan hospital being run by Doctors Without Borders, killing patients inside, some of them children. While Doctors Without Borders unwaveringly contended that the US had dropped the bombs, anonymous officials spread misleading and conflicting reports about the incident to the media.

Perhaps the most impactful example of this practice goes all the way back to the early 2000s, when papers like the New York Times were pushing a narrative that said Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction. He didn’t, but the anonymous US intelligence officials cited by the Times reporters said so. The public editor at the time, Daniel Okrent, wrote in a scathing 2004 analysis of the paper’s failure that blithely reporting the whispered word of anonymous officials is essentially “a license granted to liars.”

In short, there is no guarantee that anything an anonymous official tells the press is true, and should always be regarded with high suspicion—especially if no documentation or records are provided to back up the claim.

I concede that it may very well be true that US intelligence has identified the Wikileaks source, but the addendum that Russian officials “celebrated” Trump’s win, with the caveat that the information is open to interpretation no less, smacks of political spin. It would be far more valuable if the intelligence official provided specific language, some sort of document, or other record to prove their claim.

Wikileaks has its own organizational and perhaps even political agenda, and the organization’s behaviour appears to enable Trump’s attacks on the press. But if you’re going to call out Wikileaks, call them out on something that matters, and in a way that doesn’t indirectly lend credence to the word of shadowy intelligence officials.

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Correction: This piece originally incorrectly referred to a hospital in Afghanistan as “Afghani,” which is the name of the currency. We’ve since updated it to the correct term “Afghan,” and regret the error.




from Wikileaks Is Bad, Anonymous Intelligence Officials Are Worse

Thursday, 5 January 2017

Bitcoin’s First Felon Wants to Use Ethereum to Buy Up Michigan’s Waste Industry

Charlie Shrem once branded himself "bitcoin's first felon." In December of 2014, Shrem was sentenced to two years in prison for knowingly processing funds associated with Silk Road, a darknet marketplace for illegal drugs.

Now, following his release from a Pennsylvania prison in July, the 27-year-old has a plan to use Bitcoin rival Ethereum as a platform for a crowdfunded investment fund called Mainstreet. Its first goal: to buy out a full 25 percent of Michigan’s mom-and-pop waste management industry over several years, according to an investment prospectus shared with Motherboard.

Mainstreet acquisitions will be directed by Shrem and his partner, Jason Granger, and any dividends will be payed to investors over the Ethereum blockchain to create an unchangeable record of payments, he told me. Purchasable tokens that indicate ownership of a share in the fund will be sold starting in late January.

The plan has several eyebrow-raising catches. Mainstreet is headquartered in the Cayman Islands, a notorious tax haven. It’s also intentionally not registering with any US or European regulatory agencies, and is thus closed to investors from those regions. Instead, the prospectus vaguely notes, tokens “will be offered and sold under exemptions under the laws of the jurisdictions where the offerings will be made.”

Read More: Bitcoin for Prison

Technological polish aside, Mainstreet is essentially an investment vehicle for foreign money founded by two Americans in the Cayman Islands. Since Shrem and Granger are US citizens, they can’t directly invest in their own fund. In the future, Granger said, they may invest a nominal amount through an “offshore entity.”

The prospectus warns investors to consider it as carrying a “high degree of risk.”

“We didn’t register in the Cayman Islands for tax purposes,” Granger said in a phone call. “All of our holding companies are going to be paying taxes here in the US, and it’s really just because of the regulatory environment in the US as it relates to the new world of digital securities.”

Granger said Mainstreet will comply with SEC requirements, although it won’t sell tokens to American citizens or register with the SEC. Granger said the decision was made in order to avoid being caught up in the emerging field of securities law as it relates to virtual currencies lest future regulations become overly burdensome.

“I’ve made mistakes in the past, I went to prison, I served my time, and I’m not interested in getting involved with anything that has to do with the US government or any legal or regulatory matters in that regard,” Shrem said when asked about why the company won’t register in the US. He declined to comment on regulatory concerns.

"Do you trust these individuals, and their ability to pick winners?”

On the technical side, Mainstreet is built on so-called “smart contracts,” pieces of code that self-execute an action once certain requirements are met. It’s the same technology that, thanks to a missed nuance in a contract’s code, allowed an unknown hacker to siphon more than $50 million away from a crowd-directed investment fund known as the DAO.

There are differences between the DAO and Mainstreet, however. The “tokens” purchased by DAO investors allowed them to vote on the fund’s investments. Mainstreet tokens only indicate ownership of a share of the fund. All the investment decisions are solely made by Shrem and Granger. As for the smart contracts, their only function in Mainstreet is to automatically distribute a cut of the profits to token holders.

Read More: The Biggest Hacker Whodunnit of the Summer

“If you look past the obvious problem, which is that this is an unregistered security offering that is illegal to offer in the US or the UK, and you buy into the premise that this management team will somehow be able to identify sound investments, then we hit the glaring technical problem: this is essentially a defunct use of smart contracts,” Emin Gün Sirer, a hacker, cryptocurrency expert, and Cornell University professor, wrote me in an email.

Basically, Mainstreet’s use of digital tokens is nothing new, and that’s kind of the point, Shrem confirmed over the phone. The whole thing is very DAO-like in that it’s an investment fund where investors receive digital tokens and payouts governed by self-executing contracts, but the way this tech is deployed is fairly unexciting.

To mitigate the chance of a flaw in the payout contracts leading to another massive drain by a hacker, Shrem said the code is being externally audited, and will be made open source in the coming week so that it can be scoured for bugs by the public.

“Perhaps, this kind of a baby step is a reasonable step after the DAO episode,” Sirer continued. “In that case, it makes most sense to evaluate this as a traditional investment fund, but as a blockchain play: do you trust these individuals, and their ability to pick winners?”

And in Shrem’s latest bet, the hope that investors will place their trust in him may be the biggest gamble.

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from Bitcoin’s First Felon Wants to Use Ethereum to Buy Up Michigan’s Waste Industry

Tuesday, 3 January 2017

GPS Is Sending Runaway Trucks Through a Tiny Arkansas Town

Seven big rigs have crashed on a two-mile stretch of highway in the Ozark Mountains just north of the tiny Arkansas town of Ponca over the last few years.

If the transport trucks manage not to wipe out, they instead barrel through the town (population: 100), occasionally with their brake pads on fire, according to a local report by Arkansas Online that was spotted by Geoff Manaugh’s BLDGBLG.

The reason for these disruptions, according to the locals, is truck drivers’ dependence on GPS navigation technology, which doesn’t always take into account sharp changes in elevation when calculating the fastest route.

Read More: Why GPS Almost Always Overestimates Distances

“It’s a part of the problem, GPS,” said Mehdin Ibrahimovic, president of Hawkeye Transportation Services in Iowa, in an interview. On November 9, a trucker under contract with Hawkeye crashed on the notorious stretch of road near Ponca while carrying 400,000 pounds of Capri Sun, he said. (He wasn’t injured, according to news reports.)

The problem, Ibrahimovic continued, is that the road near Ponca often looks like the shortest route, and so drivers choose to take it. But GPS doesn’t tell the drivers that there’s a 1300-foot drop in elevation, as noted by Arkansas Online, which could be unsafe for trucks carrying a heavy load. Ibrahimovic warns drivers not to take that particular route, he said.

“Years ago, you may have had drivers talking to each other about which routes to take from point A to point B instead of relying solely on GPS,” Ibrahimovic said.

As Manaugh notes on his blog, individual stories of people being led astray by their GPS systems aren’t unique. And while Google Maps, for example, does offer the ability to calculate changes in elevation, there are cases where the company may not possess accurate data and will instead average the elevation of nearby locations.

When dependence on a technology starts to risk life and limb, the issue becomes a whole lot more interesting—and fraught—especially when the byproduct is out-of-control trucks flying through a small Southern town.

Until we deal with that, though, some new road signs should help.

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from GPS Is Sending Runaway Trucks Through a Tiny Arkansas Town

Friday, 30 December 2016

So… How Much Porn Is on Tumblr?

It’s sort of a comfort that despite most of the internet being colonized by anodyne corporate platforms, people are still incredibly horny online.

Of course, we all know this. The internet is “for porn,” after all, and gloriously porny subcultures thrive on platforms like Tumblr and Twitter. But the scientific question is: how horny are we, exactly?

Read More: Your Porn Is Watching You

Researchers from two universities in Italy and Bell Labs decided to take a crack at answering this hugely important question by looking at data from Tumblr and Flickr, both Yahoo properties. They published their results to the arXiv preprint server last week, and the research was also presented at a conference earlier in the year. Their surprising conclusion: Tumblr has a lot of porn, while Flickr, not so much.

To get this result, the researchers looked at anonymized data from 130 million Tumblr users and 39 million Flickr users. They then analyzed the accounts to identify producers (people who post original pornographic content on their page) and consumers (people who follow these users). There was also a third group: the “unintentionally exposed.” That is, people who don’t follow producers or reblog them, but follow others who do.

Image: Coletto et. al.

On Tumblr, the number of producers was very small, less than 1 percent of the sample. But the number of consumers was much higher: 22 percent. But most surprising is the large number of unintentionally exposed users. All in all, direct consumers of porn and the unintentionally exposed make up just over half of the entire sample of users. The sample was about half of Tumblr’s total user base, meaning it's fairly representative.

The Flickr data is less interesting to look at, mostly because it’s lame. The vast majority of users—82 percent—were not exposed to porn accounts at all. We can only speculate about why this is, but the researchers note that self-reported demographic data suggests the user base of Tumblr is largely young and female, while Flickr skews older and male.

It may have something to do with an established culture of fun-loving deviance on Tumblr. While Flickr has a history of banning public porn posts and filtering NSFW material going back more than a decade, Tumblr was a bit of a free-for-all until 2013 (it launched in 2007) when it was acquired by Yahoo and became more serious about NSFW content filtering.

To sum up: Tumblr users are very horny.

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from So… How Much Porn Is on Tumblr?

The Shittiest Robots of 2016

This is the third year that I’ve capped off with a list of the crappiest robots that I can find. It feels a bit different every time thanks to the mood that the year’s events have put me in while processing things like flailing motorized dildos stuffed into a Kleenex box.

Which is why this time around is a bit, uh, weird.

Read More: The Shittiest Robots of 2015

Maudlinism isn’t a good look, but still, it would feel a bit strange to half-ironically wax poetic about what a shitty robot really means when 2016 has already had more than enough smirking foe-intellectualism. Earnestness without sentimentalism is what’s called for in these electrifying and precarious times, I guess, which makes it a bit tough to talk about something so unserious as this.

But, I mean, I love shitty robots! I do. Who doesn’t? They’re hilarious. And, I think, that’s at least part of why this list is still needed at the tail end of 2016. Everybody needs a big ‘ol pick-me-up, and since robots don’t have a soul or feelings, and can’t even die in any typical sense really, I think it’s safe to say that we can laugh at them without feeling bad at all. So, that’s good, right? Yes, it is.

Read More: The Shittiest Robots of 2014

But we’re not just animals hooting in glee at simple violence, right? It’s also true that these robots are endearing as heck. This is probably due to properties inherent in the robots to the degree that they lend themselves to anthropomorphic projection, but I think it also has something to do with knowing that an actual real human built this crappy thing. It’s all about empathy. People are pretty wild! It really rocks.

*

THE ROBOT THAT JUST SWEATS

Image: IEEE/JSK Lab/University of Tokyo

“Kengoro” is a swole robot from the University of Tokyo that does push-ups and sweats. That’s pretty much it. He probably doesn’t wipe down the bench after, either. Fuck this dude.

THIS TERRIFYING LOW-RENT HOMER SIMPSON RICKSHAW BOT

Image: Aurelien Foucault

This year, Motherboard contributor Jamie Fullerton visited the workshop of 54-year-old Wu Yulu, a Chinese man who has build 63 crappy robots that he calls his “children.” He’s the original robot daddy, and it’s a little weird, but whatever, it’s still pretty strange and wonderful and gloriously crappy.

But this budget Homer Simpson-looking rickshaw driver, all blank yellow stare and borderline copyright infringement? No thanks.

A BUTT-WIPING ROBOT

It’s amateur roboticist Simone Giertz’s entire thing to make crappy robots. And this morbid assemblage of power tools and toilet paper gives me the shivers. It would absolutely destroy your butt.

THIS FUCKING GUY

Enough said.

THESE ‘REAL’ ‘TRANSFORMERS’ (AKA ‘LETRONS’, PLEASE DON’T SUE US)

I respect a company that pours resources into turning luxury cars into non-functional transformers. I do. I really do have some joy left in my heart after this oppressive year. But until these things can flip a truck, I will remain disappointed.

ALL THE ROBOTS AT HEBOCON

Hebocon is a competition where the goal is to win a robot battle tournament with the crappiest homemade robot possible. It first roared onto the scene a couple years ago in Japan with the tagline and philosophy “Crappiness trumps strategy,” and I’ve been a fan ever since. Hebocon gives me life.

THE ROBOT THAT DECEIVES YOU WITH COOKIES

Image: Serena Booth.

This robot gives people cookies. This is a good thing, and I like cookies. It would be very nice if the only robots we made were the kind that gave people cookies. But this robot only gives you cookies because it’s running some sort of twisted experiment to see how far you’ll go in trusting it. Not cool.

And finally...

THE ONLY GOOD ROBOT: A DRINKING BUDDY

Me too, pal. On to 2017.



from The Shittiest Robots of 2016

Wednesday, 28 December 2016

Something Strange Is Killing a Whole Bunch of Sea Creatures In Canada

Nothing connects the crustacean victims except for their stomping grounds.

It sounds like the set-up for a perfect crime, except nobody can say for certain if it’s a murder spree, or some kind of natural killing floor, or something else entirely.

In November, thousands of dead and dying herring began washing up on the shores of southwest Nova Scotia near Digby county. Researchers conducted tests for viruses and bacteria, but found nothing. On Monday, things got worse. The tides brought in the corpses of lobsters, crabs, starfish, and even more herring.

Read More: The Canadian Military Is Investigating a Mysterious Noise In the Arctic

Normally, you’d expect a particular sickness to affect only one species of marine life, retired veterinary pathologist Ted Leighton told the CBC. Whatever this is, it seems almost indiscriminate.

“What we know is that around one spot a large number of species that aren’t closely connected are all dead,” Leighton told the Chronicle Herald in an interview. “But almost all are invertebrates living at the bottom of the ocean, a habitat they share.”

Observers have speculated that the cause of the mass deaths might be the gigantic underwater turbine that was installed in the nearby Bay of Fundy in November. The goal is to harvest the power of the bay’s legendary tides to generate electricity. The risk of harm to local wildlife was so concerning that local fishers took their case to court in an attempt to halt construction. They lost.

But the Chronicle Herald notes that the turbine is a good 100 kilometres away from the sites where marine life has been washing up, and they’re not showing any signs of being chewed up by the turbine’s massive rotors. Researchers, including Leighton, are also urging caution in jumping to conclusions about the cause of the deaths.

Until scientists can determine what’s going on in Nova Scotia, it’s another marine mystery in a country that’s starting to eerily resemble an episode of the X-Files.

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from Something Strange Is Killing a Whole Bunch of Sea Creatures In Canada

All The Things That Were the Most 2016 Things of 2016

If there’s one thing you can say about 2016, it’s that it was extremely 2016.

Prince died? That’s 2016 for you. Trump got elected? So 2016. People got mad about a Star Wars movie starring a woman? It’s 2016, alright. Racists were upset about a black Santa? Incredibly, uniquely 2016.

Tweeting “this is the most 2016 thing” is a common trope that relatively meme-aware but ultimately not-that-clever internet users (that is to say, most of us) employed whenever something completely messed up happened this year. It denotes the ludicrousness of whatever just transpired, while highlighting the general mood of the time.

Pegging all of the ugliness to a finite stretch of 365 days also offers the hope that it’ll all be over soon.

Unfortunately, the problems that seem like they could only ever exist in the mud and the shit of 2016 all go back decades and even centuries. They’ll continue to stretch into 2017 and onwards forever and ever until we finally destroy the root causes, if we ever manage to do that.

Maybe, then, saying that something terrible or just plain crazy is “the most 2016 thing” is actually a mental defense mechanism that allows us to frame the day’s problems as temporary. Maybe it also allows us to shore up nostalgia for years that we remember more fondly. Or maybe it’s just lazy tweeting.

*

A fugitive sending police a better mugshot was the most 2016 thing.

Quantifying heartbreak was the most 2016 thing.

Rapper BOB being a flat-earth truther was the most 2016 thing.

A drone hitting Bone Thugs-N-Harmony on stage was the most 2016 thing.

Getting hit in the dong with a ping pong ball was the most 2016 thing.

A man on a hoverboard taking a Donald Trump flyer was the most 2016 thing.

the most 2016 thing to ever happen: a man on a hoverboard accepting a donald trump flyer pic.twitter.com/m9PlBa4pk0
— Kath Barbadoro (@kathbarbadoro) February 1, 2016

Monica Lewinsky getting custom emojis was the most 2016 thing.

Kanye West manning the aux cord at Madison Square Garden was the most 2016 thing.

Jeb(!) Bush was the most 2016 thing.

A baby dolphin getting selfied to death was the most 2016 thing.

DJ Khaled selling vape juice was the most 2016 thing.

A guy on a hoverboard shooting someone was the most 2016.

Grime rapper Stormzy getting his own burger was the most 2016 thing.

Something called “BaeTea” was the most 2016 thing.

Taking a selfie with a hijacker was the most 2016 thing.

'Best selfie ever:' British man takes picture with Egyptair plane hijackerhttps://t.co/RQrTpLTLCR pic.twitter.com/Djh3NKvUdH
— WAFB (@WAFB) March 31, 2016

Hamburger Helper dropping a fire mixtape was the most 2016 thing.

Stone Cold Steve Austin smashing IPAs at Wrestlemania was the most 2016 thing.

A Goofy Movie discourse was the most 2016 thing.

“Daddy” discourse was the most 2016 thing.

A decent meme becoming a symbol of hate was the most 2016 thing.

Thinking Rachel Ray cheated with Jay-Z was the most 2016 thing.

Hulk Hogan’s sex tape lawsuit being the long-term revenge plan of a billionaire egomaniac was the most 2016 thing.

A parrot witnessing a murder was the most 2016 thing.

Presidential candidates beefing on Twitter was the most 2016 thing.

Lindsay Lohan becoming a Twitter Brexit pundit was the most 2016 thing.

Mischa Barton trying to be woke while on a yacht was the most 2016 thing.

Taking a mass selfie with a politician was the most 2016 thing.

Thinking Pamela Anderson poisoned Wikileaks’ Julian Assange was the most 2016 thing.

Serious thinkpieces about Pokémon Go were the most 2016 things.

Pokémon Go was the most 2016 thing.

Donald Trump using Pokémon Go in an attack ad was the most 2016 thing.

NEW: Donald Trump captures "Crooked Hillary" Pokemon https://t.co/aPcbgtWEtc #PokemonGO pic.twitter.com/MiJdD29gOi
— Washington Examiner (@dcexaminer) July 14, 2016

Turkish PM Recep Erdoğan thwarting a military coup via FaceTime was the most 2016 thing.

CNN anchor Jake Tapper quoting The Wire was the most 2016 thing.

Clint Eastwood calling people “pussies” was the most 2016 thing.

Cops trying to be woke was the most 2016 thing.

A guy climbing Trump Tower was the most 2016 thing.

Fucking a McChicken was the most 2016 thing.

Dogs taking anxiety meds was the most 2016 thing.

Old people learning how to slide into your DMs was the most 2016 thing.

Watermarking memes was the most 2016 thing.

Being aggressively vaped at was the most 2016 thing.

Tila Tequila becoming a Nazi was the most 2016 thing.

Donald Trump defending angry night-tweeting was the most 2016 thing.

Screaming humanoid fruit was the most 2016 thing.

Creepy clowns was the most 2016 thing.

Streaming a funeral was the most 2016 thing.

Candy companies weighing in on the presidential election was the most 2016 thing.

Being hated by your dog was the most 2016 thing.

Bob Dylan getting a Nobel prize in literature for some reason was the most 2016 thing.

Snoop Dogg inviting Ken Bone to smoke up on the internet was the most 2016 thing.

DJ Khaled Snapchatting his wife giving birth was the most 2016 thing.

Anthony Weiner returning in the third act to help sink Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign was the most 2016 thing.

Donald Trump getting elected was the most 2016 thing.

Fidel Castro being dead was the most 2016 thing.

Taking an Uber to an anti-Donald Trump rally was the most 2016 thing.

The Rock being People’s Sexiest Man Alive was the most 2016 thing.

Kanye West meeting with Donald Trump was the most 2016 thing.

"We've been friends for a long time": Kanye West and Donald Trump appeared together Tuesday at Trump Tower https://t.co/JBZWmCrHoM pic.twitter.com/Go5gZAiVHZ
— CNN (@CNN) December 17, 2016

Saying things are the most 2016 things of 2016 was the most 2016 thing.

#PizzaGate was the most 2016 thing.

A Woody Allen-looking Weird Twitter dude joining the Kurdish Peshmerga was the most 2016 thing.

See you in 2017!



from All The Things That Were the Most 2016 Things of 2016